It’s finally here. Colton Underwood’s season of The Bachelor is on our TVs and in my case, on our Hulu Plus without commercials, which comes with the ability to fast forward. And with the new format of the opening episode, that 10 second forward button proved to be EXTREMELY necessary. The actual meat of the episode- ie, what we Bach Nation people are actually here for- was pretty good. But this 3-hour padded cringe-fest was a lot to wade through.
Worst Parts of the Ep:
The on-air proposals were a low moment for me. I just can’t muster up the will to care about strangers getting engaged in front of other people I don’t care about. Plus they have to keep tying it back to the Bachelor somehow, and it’s all just embarrassing. I also completely skipped the Bachelor babies segment, because there is truly nothing I care about less. I will confess that I downvote photos of Sean and Catherine’s baby when people post them on Reddit. Get out of here, Bach children.
The sloth entrance was just as bad as we were expecting based on the previews. It was not exciting, or funny, and for some reason they showed an incredible amount of her slow-mo walking and talking for a contestant to get chopped by the night’s end. Even Colton was trying to finish her sentences to get her to hurry up. Then when they finally chatted, when she’d removed her huge mascot costume and revealed her face and slinky dress, she spoke decidedly un-Sloth like- a fast Boston clip- and said boring things about loving her family. Thank u next, Sloth girl.
Catherine interrupted four times, which is a lot. She’s like Corinne, but with even MORE fillers- and not to be a shady bitch, but I didn’t think that was possible. And I like Catherine and Corinne. I have a soft spot for that breed of annoying rich Florida blondes. I’m not going to be able to explain Catherine’s entrance better than Ali Barthwell at Vulture (tbh Ali Barthwell’s recap is a literal must-read):
Catherine arrives and she is 26 but looks like a Real Housewife from one of the newer white cities. What is her tactic? She’s going to give Colton her 10-year-old dog to take care of for the entire season. She refers to this dog as her child, but she puts it in Colton’s arms, watches it struggle, and walks away. ICONIC.
To be honest, there weren’t a lot of notable moments in this first ep!!! We didn’t get many interviews of the girls leaving at 8 AM, and we didn’t get a super wasted girl wrecking the rose ceremony. It was very standard. The contestants couldn’t believe when Demi took Colton first. They all wanted time with him. They all wanted the first impression rose. I did like when the Brooke Shields lookalike came out of the limo with cue cards, since she’s lost her voice, and she stuck it through to the rose ceremony while sick. She should have followed Corinne’s (and Abraham Lincoln’s) lead and snuck upstairs for a nap.
Oh yeah, and during one girl’s entrance, she showed Colton a photograph of her dog and his dog photoshopped together. He did not recognize his own dog.
Well. We still have the GATE JUMP to look forward to and that’s all that matters.
My Picks for Front Runners: [NO SPOILERS]
ONE: Hannah (IG Superstar)
This little cutie got the first impression rose, which is a huge indicator on seasons of The Bachelorette (almost all of the lady leads ended up with their FIR pick) but not as big on male lead seasons. But she’s absolutely gorgeous and really seemed to vibe with Colton in their little chats.
Colton and Caelynn’s conversation got the romantic violin music, which is an excellent sign. They kissed. And her very-recognizable face was all over the previews for the season. She’s definitely going far, and so far she’s my best bet for all the way. Although we didn’t see her intro package, did we? Hmm.
THREE: Cassie (Speech Pathologist)
She is definitely going far. She’s smart, sweet, and gorgeous. A down to earth Cali girl like this is just what the franchise needs.
FOUR: Hannah (Alabama)
I don’t know why, I like Hannah and think Colton does too. She wasn’t in the previews as much, but I still think she’s going to go far at least so she can have conflict with Caelynn since they both know each other from the pageant circuit (and therefore the producers can invent fake drama between them!)
♥️ Demi: Self described confetti cake, she is definitely the good TV of the season. She is young, and her hometown date would be Dean-levels of crazy. I liked when Colton said he has dogs and she says she has kitty cats. Wild charisma, for sure.
♥️ Hannah: Her Instagram is, as mentioned, incredible (40k followers pre-season, 150k the day after the premiere). She’s primed to join the million club with Becca Tilley after winning or a stint on Paradise. She is cute, sweet, and seems to have a touch more personality than similar Lauren types in the past.
♥️ Cassie: I like this surfer girl in grad school thing, which almost feels too good for the Bachelor. Hey, remember when Jacqueline from Arie’s season had grad student as her profession but she wasn’t actually in grad school? We’re already movin’ on up.
♥️ Nicole: Nicole reminds me of Kathleen Lights and Jessi Smiles, so I guess quirky funny Cuban girls in Miami are birds of a feather. She is a great narrator- self aware, self deprecating, and funny. Sweet.
♥️ Courtney. She’s beautiful and seems like a possibly good narrator.
♥️ Hannah from Alabama reminds me of Olivia Caridi. I’m glad I get to watch a season with her, even though I’m surprised at myself. Roll Tide is her entire personality so far.
♥️ Heather: I loved what Vulture’s recap said about Heather:
There’s Heather, whose occupation is “Never Been Kissed.” She also went to one of Colton’s charity events to meet him. Then she signed up for The Bachelor. She wants her first kiss to be with Colton. This is an episode of Black Mirror.
Nevertheless, I like this waif with her retro long hair and I think she could be the next Kendall.
♥️ Caitlin from Canada!
Best Dressed (no order):
Erin, aka Cinderella. She wore a baby blue gown with beautiful beading. But I couldn’t help but notice she missed a chunk of hair in the back while styling. Amateur move for someone claiming to be a princess! (Is that too nitpicky? This isn’t an episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars. I’ll go easy.)
Elyse. A redhead who knows what color makes her complexion and hair pop! Yes! A gorgeous cobalt blue that looked great on TV.
Nicole. Green, without a sequin or clingy piece of glitter in sight. Gorgeous.
Catherine. It was smart for Stifler’s mom to wear a short red dress when every other girl was in a gown. I liked the high neck and bell sleeves.
Hannah Alabama in the gown with nude mesh cutouts + Sequin Gold Dress Hannah. Both solid choices.
Alex B. It was a gorgeous green dress on Brooke Shields the dog rescuer.
Heather in the red dress.
Cassie in an adorable floral dress, which REALLY worked with her down-to-earth vibe. (Also, she has f-a-k-e butterflies in that box. I thought they were real for a second and instantly flashed to the season 10 finale of Drag Race, when Aquaria accidentally stomped on one of Asia O’Hara’s sad, freezing butterflies mid-dance. Never forget.)
My NUMBER ONE PICK was Jane (also known as Adrianne?) who didn’t make it through the night but caught my eye EVERY TIME SHE WAS ON SCREEN in a feminine, girly pink dress. So gorgeous. I really want it.
Kirpa. I hated the braidy updo and prom-y sequined gown. Also her accessories are the definition of basic. Boot.
Tahzjuan. This embroidered gown was pretty but SO mother of the bride to me.
Laura. Same red dress as Heather, but she lost one million points with me for not CUTTING the fabric hanger string, or at least being very aware of it and tucking it in. It’s one of my biggest pet peeves.
The girl in the pewter toga thing. Tayshia. She was second out of the limo, I think. But I hate one shoulder dresses. She is STUNNING though.
Demi. What was my gurl thinking with this yellow high-low two piece.
–Tia has been left off the face of the earth in this narrative. Okay, none of us saw Paradise. Whatever, ABC.
-Colton tends to have a big excited grin on his face when talking to the girls and touching their knees. He better chill the fuck out soon.
-ABC needs to give their Asian contestants more screen time. Fine, Colton and Revian didn’t gel, but she could have gotten a goodbye interview.
-It was very cute when Colton saved one of Cassie’s butterflies. If it was a produced moment, they really know how to get me. But if it was genuine, I might just bump Cassie up to my number one frontrunner.
-Cassie would be an INCREDIBLE Bachelorette if she doesn’t win.
-Is Chris Harrison leaving the show soon? That was a weird montage that they even brought his mom out for. The show NEEDS him, though, and we saw Blake and Jason certainly aren’t cut out for this hosting shit. (Cut to Blake nervously saying, “We’re having a blast! We’re having a blast!” in Lansing).
-The Brewery hosting Kaitlyn and Jojo is owned by Chris Harrison
-Jojo’s hosting outfit- the plaid pinafore dress over a black long sleeve top and ponytail was so RIGHT to me that I didn’t even notice my girl Kaitlyn at all. LOVE Jojo’s style.
-The virgin thing needs to stop. It’s not enough to carry a season.
-Jared with a patchy beard is not the same (imo, not as handsome) as the clean shaven Jared debuted on Instagram a few weeks ago. And Ashley really does have great interviewer chops, as we all know.
-I like that they were all drinking out of mugs instead of wine glasses. I wonder what was in them.
-Colton is a big guy. He makes Demi feel like a little baby. Lol
And finally, importantly, as Allison Williams so eloquently put it on Here to Make Friends podcast (my favorite Bach pod):
The younger you are, the older fillers make you look. It’s a mistake that will haunt this generation.
Alright, that’s all I’ve got this week. I am SO glad the off-season is over. I love this show, I love when every Monday is Bachelor Monday, and I basically can’t get enough of it. I watched three hours and then went to Reddit and then listened to a podcast and then worked on this post for hours. I might just have a little Bachelor problem…
SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY!!! 😉
PS- leave me a comment and let me know what else you’d like to see in a recap, and tell me all your thoughts!! Thanks for reading.