I feel a lot of pressure to make the most out of life. This may stem from my nightly habit of thinking about death as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep. Not in an anxious, scared way, but more just out of habit. Reflecting on my life and my hopes for the next day seem pretty tied to thinking about when I might die and what life means. I want to make the most of my time on earth. I only get this one go in this one body, and I want to feel as much happiness as I can in my experience here. I so deeply enjoy being in my own head and existing and I don’t want it to stop. I want more of life. But in reality, so much of life is boring.

I am 33 now, and the boredom I feel as an adult is completely different than what I felt as a teenager. But life was boring then, too. It just seemed different. Whenever I see teenagers out and about, I hope they’re having fun and know they’re probably waiting for a ride or hoping someone comes up with something to do. That was my experience. Let’s go to 7-11 and get drinks and hope Brittany calls us back, or let’s go walk around town and see if we see anyone.

Waiting around at 15

The barriers to entertainment that I had as a high schooler are gone. I can do whatever I want all the time, without parents interfering. I can go anywhere since I’m not waiting for my mom to drive me after work. I can call anyone or text anyone from my iPhone, without worrying that I had used up all my texts (lol remember that??) or minutes for the month. But the bigger problems- where should we go? What should we do? This party that we were looking forward to all week is actually boring! There is nothing going on! These people suck to talk to! Those issues persist. Because, possibly, those issues are actually life. The fight of life, the reality of being human.

Life is very much about what we make it. I ride my bike at this great park with my husband and our friends quite frequently. And I have a great time doing it. Sometimes I ride with them on the jumps (the baby part of the jumps, at least) and sometimes I film them, and sometimes I ride my bike away and retreat into my own world and look for animals and sing songs in my head and ride through the neighborhood and wish I lived there. I drink sparkling water with the guys and nod my head at ‘how’s the bike feeling today’ talk. But with a different perspective, this whole riding bikes at the park thing is SO boring. We hardly talk. It’s the same jumps every time. Sometimes other people come and they’re not any fun. Is life boring or is it perspective? I think it’s both. Life is short but also very long. I have to do so many dishes every single day and they never get interesting. I can listen to podcasts while I do them but it’s still just boring to get enough soap and hot water to get my plates clean.

The moments of true excitement and joy and amazing times are not a constant thing, for all of us. And today, I realize, this is a good thing. I put so much pressure on myself to make this new day memorable and amazing and perfect in case it’s my last day. In case I die. Why? So in my last moments of consciousness I can say oh good, that was good, that was fun? But statistically it’s likely that I will be alive for a long while yet. Decades. So I will begin marking out contentment and peace and calm, and seeing those moments as a win. As just as good. A peaceful afternoon where I listened to a new episode of a podcast I love and made my safe home look nice can be a positive, too. I don’t need to kill the boredom. The boredom is always there, waiting for us to see it. Waiting for things to be not good enough, after all. It’s really all perspective. It’s just gratitude.

I think of the exciting moments of this year, the times I want MORE of when I think about wanting more time on earth, and those times weren’t perfect. Like earlier this year- I got these super cool donuts at the beach in California with my husband! And that was the best! We took pictures and the beach was beautiful! But then I hung out in the hotel room all afternoon since the trails he wanted to ride were too hard for me and I was really tired anyway. Isn’t that the MOST boring afternoon you’ve ever heard? But I don’t think about that afternoon as a negative- I want more days like that one. I watched Titanic and our hotel room overlooked a golf course. It was nice to be by myself and paint my nails. Besides, I appreciate the mornings where I get donuts on the beach in California more since it’s not a daily thing. How could it be? How could it be special if it was daily, too?

Boring seems very reductive. You’re not bored, you’re boring, they say. I will notice my boredom and try to use it as fuel to make a moment more fun, or more peaceful, or more enjoyable. I will continue to try and make the most out of my one and only life. Or I’ll just notice the boredom and sigh because life is long and there will be lots of that. After one too many boring days in a row, I might finally say enough is enough, I’m booking that trip. I’m cooking something crazy. I’m dyeing my hair. But it can’t prompt you if you’re just mired in it. Awareness!

It can’t always be donuts at the beach! Most of the time it’s just toast in your same old kitchen. And that’s good too. You can make the toast however you like.

-Taylor