So for the last four years, I’ve kept something called “The Quotes Book.” Some years I was very neurotic about it, and couldn’t have fun at a party unless I was sitting with my notebook, transcribing the hilarious things my friends would say. It’s now more of an honor to make the quotes book, since it has to be pretty good to get me to write it down. I have filled a dozen small notebooks, and after the simultaneously tedious and hysterical work of typing them all up, I have over 100 pages of quotes typed in a word document.



Since this is one of my favorite parts of my creative life, I decided I had to post some of them up on my blog. In the original spiral notebook with THE QUOTES BOOK scrawled on the front in sharpie, there are quotes from authors, TV shows, coworkers, community college professors, managers, and old friends. They are out of context, and the authors are usually my brother Tom, my boyfriend Scott, my roommate Bobby, my parents, or my gay couple best friends, Chris and Estevan (us with C&E below).



At a diner…

Tom: You writing down quotes?

Our grandfather, Poppy: You writing down that I took his tomato?

With his childhood best friend…

Tom: It’s suspicious that you moved here the same year 9-11 happened.

Ralph: I’m not on trial here!

Tom: You’re about to be.

At home…

Tom: Aren’t you going to make me lunch?

Dad: I offered! Eat cold sausage.

Tom: No, that’s gross. This is my life.

At my birthday party:

Estevan: I wish I could play the fiddle as good as the Devil. Or the harp like an angel.

Tom: You’re really squandering your wishes here.

Me: Yeah, aren’t you going to wish for a million dollars?

Estevan: NO! I feel like if you’re an angel or the devil, you won’t have any problem getting money.

Margarita Night at Chris & Estevan’s: 

Tom: It has organic honey.

Chris: Organic honey? That’s Estevan’s drag name!


Tom: I can’t say no. I’m a college student.

Chris: No to what?

Tom: Anything. Anything.


Chris: We should have gotten cake dip.

Me: What’s cake dip?

Chris: It’s when you get a cake and eat it with your hands.

During Mario Kart:

Estevan: Ohhh, baby’s dying!!

Chris: What a terrible statement.

Estevan: At least you know that if you had cancer, I’d be accepting of it.


At home: 

Dad: Do you think we’re the last people in America without iphones?

Scott: There’s the Amish.


Mom: What kind of candy did you like when you were a kid beside those ghetto jelly beans?

Me: He likes marzipan.

Dad: Oh, me too. I could eat… 30 or 40 slices of marzipan.

Getting bubble tea downtown… 

Tom: You’re becoming more Austin.

Me: No, Austin is becoming more me.

Tom: And more modest!

Getting dessert:

Bobby: I shouldn’t have told that cupcake guy that I love him. He wouldn’t stop talking.

In San Antonio:

Scott: Okay, guys, where should we go now?


A phone call from DC:

Tom: At the post office, they were like, ‘Is there anything hazardous in here you need to declare, like breast milk?’ And I was like, ‘Breast milk’s hazardous?’ I’m learning a lot out here.

Driving around Austin:

Mom: Look at how sparkly that building is! I love it! I wonder if you sparkle while you’re in there like the guy in Twilight!

Margarita Night again at Chris & Estevan’s… 

Me: I put on Bad Romance radio, I hope that’s okay.

Estevan: Of course that’s okay.

Scott: Is it, though?


I laughed so hard while typing these in this blog post. I could have just copy and pasted from the word document, but since I pulled all of my notebooks out, I figured it would be more fun to work from there. I was cracking up in my office, and I’m sure my roommate was like what is going on in there? I think this is the reason why I would strongly recommend writing down quotes to anyone, at any stage in their lives. It’s absolutely hilarious to look back on, and there are never enough.


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